You may well have heard this quote from comedian and actor Rob Delaney. He wrote a beautiful book called “A Heart That Works” and speaks often of his grief for his son Henry who died when he was 2 ½. It’s probably one of the best explanations of grief that I have heard, not least because he doesn’t hide his pain and fury but because he has accepted and found comfort in not expecting the feeling to go away.
Often when we are in the midst of acute grief, the feelings of pain can be overwhelming. We can’t see how we can survive the pain. Somehow or other the pain lessens in moments and then often clients express to me their guilt. Laughing at something or just forgetting for a moment can trigger feelings of shame, guilt, and perhaps also fear of forgetting someone.
For many years, the death process stages of shock, denial, frustration, depression, experiment, decision, integration, originally designed for those who were dying, became known culturally as stages that those in grief should go through. The social myth that these stages were linear and ended in some sort-of closure is completely false. Perhaps this social misunderstanding reflects our discomfort with the thought that pain doesn’t go away.
In psychotherapy, we have a different way of explaining the grieving process. Its technical name is the dual process model but what that really means is that we move in and out of different grief states.
One of these states focuses on the pain of loss, we might long for the person, constantly thinking about them and their death. The other state, called restoration, focuses on a re-juggling of our life in a changed world, we need to rethink our identity, lives, beliefs and find an ability to live in the present. Both states are stressful and both involve work. When we are in the midst of loss, we do the important psychological work of understanding what happened and finding ways to keep our relationship with a loved one in our lives. When we are in restoration, we might deal with stress that we hadn’t expected, like taking on tasks we haven’t before or reworking our identity as a widow or an orphan or however we view ourselves.
Most importantly, as Delaney says, we move back and forth within these states. How and when we might do that may be impacted by many different parts of our experience and personality, our gender, our culture, and our childhood experiences, but the fluctuating change is most important. Both states are necessary and important. Avoiding either one or excluding feelings is when the grief can become stuck or cause mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety.
Counselling cannot take away the pain of grief, nor would we want it to. What counselling can do is help you find meaning, hold you in the loss, and support you in reorganising your life.
You can contact me for counselling, online or in person in Sevenoaks, Kent via the “Contact Me” section of this website. To find out more about the therapy that I offer, please look at the rest of my website. I am a registered practitioner with Axa Health, Aviva, and Vitality and your therapy may be covered by your insurance if you have a policy with them.
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